Grief Survivor

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Shining On

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It’s hard to believe it’s been 22 years this week since my best friend/ mom, Beazy’s sudden death. She and her cute, then newlywed husband Herb, (aka Herbie the Love Bug) were living their best life nestled in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina.

That fall, my brothers, sisters and extended family were left wondering, “What would Beazy do right now with the holidays rapidly approaching?!

Here’s what I know. She would:

  • turn up the music and cook up all things pumpkin spice.
  • make a plan and gather her closest humans for a fabulous meal and lots of laughs. 
  • dress all the small people in her hand-smocked holiday dresses and smocked jumpsuits superhero outfits for the little boys. 
  • open her home to anyone who didn’t have family in town.
  • remind us of her signature statement, “no problem with Beazy.” 
  • make sure the people she loved the most knew it. Every single day. 

This week, my plan is to celebrate Beazy by stirring up some kind of pumpkin spice creation, hearing the fall leaves crackle under my feet, laughing more, letting my closest people know how much I love them.

Shine On, Mom!

How about you?

How do you honor and remember your beloved person on significant days or holidays? Please share your creative, thoughtful, fun, or even delicious ideas in the comments.

Also, if you’re needing a little encouragement right now, I invite you to give this podcast with the amazing Colleen Kavanaugh a listen. It’s full of creative ways to prepare your heart, home, and family for the holidays, after loss.

Did he really just say, “You shouldn’t feel sad”?

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Ever had a day where a tidal wave knocks you down before your first cup of coffee? Then, just as you regain your balance, a bigger wave slams you right back under? Yep, me too. 

At the moment, five of our closest twelve family members have tested positive for the gnarly disease our world has been wrestling for what seems like forever.    

It reached a point where I was terrified to check my phone as we quickly went from 25% to 33% of our family affected, and now who knows the percentage as several more await test results. 

Struggling to take in the barrage of hard news, I made a comment to a friend that all this medical mess was making me really sad. His response was quick, “you shouldn’t feel sad.” He went on to explain all the reasons I shouldn’t feel sad. The symptoms could be worse, these kids and adults are all otherwise healthy… the list went on.  While those things were true, my sadness was also very real, as several of my closest humans on the planet are dealing with this scary and unpredictable disease.    

Permission to Feel what You Feel 

This well-intended encounter reminded me of a few things that ring true when grief, in whatever form, sneaks into your life: 

  • It’s OK to feel sad.  I grew up in a wildly optimistic environment, where it was OK to cry for a minute, but then your options were to a) get a band aid, or b) call an ambulance, or c) go jump on the trampoline. “Don’t worry. Be happy” was the soundtrack of my childhood, so believe me when I say I’m still figuring out how to hold sadness and hope simultaneously; but I fully believe both can coexist.      
  • Squashing emotions can lead to unhealthy coping strategies: mega doses of Oreos, tequila, Netflix binges, or whatever else feels good for a minute. 
  • Comments about what someone should or shouldn’t feel when they’ve been crushed by bad news can make them feel shut down, dismissed, or that what they’re feeling isn’t valid.
  • Inadvertently dropping this kind of comment, while I’m in the thick of writing a grief book, could likely become a chapter title! Thank you.

Ever need a “grief sesh?”

My lovely Instagram friends, Sal and Im, (Good Mourning Podcast co-hosts from Sydney) have come up with a name for an intense time of sadness, when you intentionally lean into everything you’re feeling- and allow yourself time and space to shamelessly deep dive into all the emotions. The Grief Sesh. Thank you, ladies for giving it a name, and letting the world know it’s OK to feel sadness.

The third day, as Covid diagnoses kept pouring in, I traveled to be (socially distant) closer to one of our kids. After a day full of running around to gather groceries, and anything I could imagine that might be comforting, I returned to my hotel. With no warning, the tears started to flow, and I was suddenly swept up into my first grief sesh in a long time. Goodness, I needed that. As I woke the next morning, it felt as though a refreshing rain had washed over my soul.

Quick family update: At this point, our five family members are together, making the best of this hard situation. Please pray with us for our “quaran-team” – for healing, strength, and that they return to 100% awesomeness really soon.        Love, Beth

17 months later…

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Who could have imagined seventeen months ago that an invisible virus would come in like a wrecking ball and change every single thing we know? One moment you’re feeling fine, and in an instant- a tsunami of tears and isolation is washing over you.

The unforeseen pandemic, involuntary homeschooling, social distancing storm surge our planet experienced felt a lot like grief!

I’m praying hard that the recent increase in daily numbers is a temporary setback, and will end soon. In the meantime here are a few takeaways I noticed:

1) Grief (and a scary pandemic) sometimes feel like crazy. Social distancing and quarantine are super weird. We’re not used to living life without human contact! But, even if your sleep, appetite, patience and entire world felt upside down. it doesn’t mean you were crazy. You were probably grieving. Grief and crazy look a lot alike.

2) The season we just went through felt like swimming in peanut butter. Over those tough months, many of us discovered that it was OK to slow down a little, take a breath, take a nap, go to bed early, and step away a steady diet of scary news. Those things are still awesome.

3) With the controversy swirling around masks/ not masks; vaccines/ not vaccines…I’ve realized that being kind is more important than being right.

4) Taking a little time early in the morning to read, meditate, or pray can help you crush anxious thoughts.

I’m not sure if faith is a big deal in your life or not. For me it is. Here’s why.

36 years ago during a devastating family crisis, my world felt out of control. It was impossible to focus at work, and I was dangerously close to a major breakdown. One morning, in the midst of the painful chaos, I cried out with a desperate prayer. “Jesus, I don’t know if you are real or not; but if you are I need you. I can’t do this by myself anymore. Please come into my life.” And He did.

I wish I could tell you the family train wreck suddenly vanished, but that’s not how it worked out. What did happen was pretty miraculous, though. I realized there were people who wanted to help me, and that I was not alone.

If you’re feeling isolated right now, for whatever reason, I encourage you to reach out to someone. If you aren’t currently comfortable meeting face-to-face for coffee, give someone a phone or virtual call. Something life-giving and beautiful happens when we invite someone in to our pain.

And if you don’t have anyone to pray for you… I’m right here. (info@griefsurvivor.com)

One of the simplest, yet most profound prayers I know comes from John Eldredge, “Jesus I give everyone and everything to You.” That pretty much covers it.

Jesus, I give everyone and everything to You. Amen.

Sneak Peek from “Uncrushed” book

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Beazy and Herb (the love bug)

Here’s is a tiny sample from Uncrushed: real steps toward healing your grief and restoring your joy. Hope it gives you a few ideas for remembering and honoring the unique person you’re missing.

Secret Weapons for Getting Unstuck

Have you ever gotten so caught up in mourning, you weren’t sure you’d ever find your way out? I surely have. It had been four months since my mom’s hit-me-like-a-speeding-train sudden death. I could have won an Academy Award for my acting, trying to convince the world I was dominating this grief thing. 

At the time of my mom, Beazy’s death, I was in year twenty of my twenty-five year career with Delta Airlines. My favorite part of the Delta adventure was flying international trips, especially to Munich, Germany. Interacting with a jumbo jet full of strangers, and working alongside different flight attendants and pilots every week were sweet distractions from the sorrow. It was much less stressful to make small talk at Oktoberfest in my broken German, than to have a heart-to-heart conversation with someone who knew me. Work was an easy place to hide. 

The most difficult days were spent at home, alone with my thoughts. Home is where the intense reality of grief got my full attention. 

One morning, I remember feeling a nudge from the Lord to write about my mom. Write about her? Really? How cool, I thought. I’d love to, but my mind is so foggy right now. God, You’re going to have to help me remember things… and He did.

I started to write. For two solid hours I hardly moved a muscle, as long ago and recent memories poured out on the tear-stained pages of my prayer journal.

I wrote about the day she called me in my dorm at the University of Georgia, ecstatic that she’d invited the entire Emory University Dental Fraternity to our house for Thanksgiving Dinner. We had a dental student friend from California, who was not able to go home for Thanksgiving. Why not invite him and all of his hot (oops, I meant to say “dedicated,”) soon-to-be-dentist friends to share the holiday? I have no idea what the turkey tasted like that year, but it was a Thanksgiving I’ll never forget. Well done, Beazy.

In my journal, I wrote every sweet, embarrassing, serious, and hilarious memory I could recall. As decades of stories filled the pages, I began to smile and even laugh through the tears. As I wrote, I noticed my tears of sadness were slowly becoming tears of thankfulness for the rare and extraordinary woman we called Beazy.

How about you? 

Do you have a place you can write your person’s story? You don’t need an expensive journal. A spiral notebook like mine will work just fine. As you prepare to write, think about a memorable story that’s too important to forget. I encourage you to write about the good, the bad, the happy and sad- whatever’s on your mind right now.

While I don’t know your story, I do know that remembering is one of the most beautiful ways for deep healing to begin.

With a little help from our friends

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Giant thanks to Sal and Im, Good Mourning Podcast hosts from Sydney- for helping us spread the word about the new Kindle Edition of Grief Survivor. 

I’m so thankful for you two. And, love how you create space for people around the world to talk about their loved ones, cry, laugh, and do whatever they need to do to keep moving forward. You are crushing it.   

Father’s Day without Dad

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This is my Dad, John Glenn. When people would ask if he was the “real” John Glenn, I love that he’d always answer “yes.” Even though he was never an astronaut, he was one of the kindest, quirkiest, most fun, and generous people I ever knew.

This year might be your first Father’s Day since losing your Dad, a beloved child or another important person in your life. Or maybe it’s been a while. Either way, I’m so very sorry for your deep loss.

Here are a few tips I hope might help this Father’s Day be a little better:

In the words of John Mayer, Say What You Need to Say As the weather starts to sizzle, you may be tempted to turn the AC to full blast and settle in for a little summer hibernation. While time alone is important, it’s easy to slip from healthy alone time to full on isolation.

After losing my mom, and then my dad a few short years later, my comfy safe place definitely became home, all by myself. Sadly, a steady diet of time alone can become a lonely place where you start believing the sneaky little voice whispering, “life will always be this painful,” or “nobody cares about you.” Don’t believe the lies!  

It might be tough at first, but call someone. Let them know how you’re doing. Really. If you don’t have a friend, family or pastor close by, pray the Lord will send someone to walk alongside you. He sees you, and He loves you, and can connect you with people who understand what you’re going through.

Stir up Memories Since losing several of our finest family people, one of my favorite things about holidays has become telling and retelling their funny stories.

Did I mention my Dad was a free spirit… some might say a bit eccentric?  Like the time he bought $1000 of black velvet “Elvis Art” from a street vendor, and tried to incorporate it into our living room design. I know Dad was just trying to help a brother out, but seriously? All I can say to that street art vendor is, “Thank you. Thank you very much.“

Another inspiring way to celebrate the person you’re missing is to invite friends on social media to share memories and photos. A fresh story or photo of your loved one is one of the greatest gifts anyone can give.

Be Still Tomorrow morning, rather than hitting the ground running, would you take a few moments to be still?  What would it look like to wake up up fifteen minutes early, find a quiet cozy place away from the noise and distraction, and spend the first precious moments of your day with the Lord? If you’re new to early morning quiet times, the (free!) YouVersion app has thousands of excellent devotions available, including the Grief Survivor 8 day study.

I’m praying right now for the Lord to comfort you this Father’s Day as only He can.