Grief Survivor

Just another WordPress site

Blog

Gathering for the Holidays during Grief

Last upated: by

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is debby-hudson-pkRnhm60ew-unsplash-1-1024x819.jpg

If someone’s missing from the picture this holiday season, you may be wondering how in the world you’ll make it through to January. You are not alone! It was four weeks before Thanksgiving the year my mom died suddenly. Then, a couple years later, my dad graduated to heaven on December 9th. Sometimes the holidays just seem like a really bad idea!

Here are a few things I wish someone had told me when our family was scrambling to figure out how to survive the holidays while grieving. Hopefully they will help you, too.

  • Don’t let the day sneak up on you. Get together with  your closest people to make a plan for how and where  you want to gather. Changing up the menu and/ or venue might be helpful this year. 
  • As much as we adore her…Joanna Gaines doesn’t live here. Give yourself permission to bring it all [cooking, decorating, entertaining, whatever] down a notch or two. Do what you love and feel up to doing. 
  • Say the name of the person you’re missing, so others feel free to do the same.  Reminiscing and sharing stories about your loved one can be great therapy. 
  • There’s no need to apologize if you need to leave an event early. And there’s no shame to leave a conveniently parked getaway car. 🚗
  • Taking time to rest. 20 or 30 minutes in a dark room to sleep, write, cry… whatever you need to do- can be refreshing. 
  • The Lord really is close to the brokenhearted- and will rescue us when our spirits are crushed. (from Psalm 34:18) If you’re feeling overwhelmed by grief right now, asking someone to pray is a great idea. 
  • You are stronger than you think you are.

What do you wish someone had told you?  Please share your ideas on the Grief Survivor FaceBook page!

What Friends Do

Last upated: by

image

Maybe you are one of the extraordinary people who knows exactly what to do and say when someone’s world has been shaken by tragedy. I am grateful for you! For the other 99% of us, reaching out when a friend is hurting can feel awkward and uncomfortable! If you’re like me, you probably fear you’ll say or do the wrong thing.

During my family’s deepest times of loss, there were a couple ideas that made a giant impact. Here are my top two:

1) Show up. My dear friend Leslie has a unique ability to show up at the exact moment you need to feel the love. Rather than saying, “call if you need anything,” she’ll let you know, “your dinner is in the oven. Would you like it tonight or tomorrow night?”

I love how she doesn’t casually drop the ball in your court during a traumatic time when you really don’t know what you need. No, she shows up! Leslie brings something yummy, then hugs you around the neck. Her kindness speaks louder than 1000 words, letting you know you’re not conquering this giant by yourself.

2) Reach out. The Lord has a phenomenal way of giving us a holy nudge when we need it. Act on it! Reaching out doesn’t have to be extravagant – a text, call or card to let a friend know they haven’t been forgotten will always arrive at the perfect time.

And, when there are no words. “What do friends do? They show up. They share the pain; and they shut up. They don’t give pious platitudes. They don’t give advice. They don’t try to talk a friend out of his pain. They don’t say, ‘it’s going to be OK.’ They just say, ‘We’re going to sit here with you. We’re going to be here for you. We’re going to hurt with you.’” ~ Pastor Rick Warren

This article has more practical ideas for helping a grieving friend. Also, consider passing this link to your friend. The Grief Survivor 8 day reading plan will encourage them to write, reflect and remember priceless stories about their loved one.

The Day I got Unstuck from Grief

Last upated: by

Have you ever gotten so caught up in grief, you weren’t sure you’d ever find your way out? I surely have.

It was four months after my mom’s hit-me-like-a speeding-train sudden death. Even though I was pretending I had this grief thing under control, in reality I was stuck and had no idea how to dig myself out of the deep sorrow. A typical day would be spent at home, safe from awkward questions and embarrassing public tears. Anybody else been there?

One morning after the kids had left for school, I settled into my cozy chair and started to think about my mom.  

What if I forget about her? What if my memory fades and I don’t remember the time she invited the entire Emory University Dental Fraternity to our house for Thanksgiving Dinner? I have no idea what the turkey tasted like that year… but do remember the holiday being most delectable!

What if I forget about the day she followed a speeding ambulance through rush hour Atlanta traffic – to beat the crowd to Hobby Lobby? Doesn’t everybody’s mom do that?

I start to write every sweet, embarrassing and hilarious story I could possibly recall. About two hours later I realized I hadn’t moved a muscle, except to write.

The coolest thing happened that morning. As decades of memories poured out on the spiral notebook pages~ I started to smile, and even laugh again through the tears. Tears of thankfulness for this rare and extraordinary woman I called Mom.

How about you?  

I don’t know your story, but I do know that remembering the people we love is one of the most beautiful ways not only to honor them, but also to begin to heal.

Do you have a place you can go to write their story?  You don’t need an expensive journal- a spiral notebook like mine will work just fine.

My prayer is that as you recall and write your good, bad and crazy ambulance-chasing Hobby Lobby stories, that you’ll begin to see sweet glimmers of healing.  

God’s peace, my friends.  

Please visit the Grief Survivor FaceBook to share a funny, sweet or memorable story about someone you’re missing right now.

Additionally, here are a couple YouVersion plans I created that will hopefully be encouraging for you. Grief Survivor and More than You can Handle

Summer 2020 More than You Can Handle

Last upated: by

In an extreme trial, have you ever thought, “This wasn’t supposed to happen to me”? Maybe it was a scary diagnosis, the loss of a relationship or the shocking global pandemic that’s left you feeling overwhelmed and alone. You may have noticed adversity feels a lot like grief, and grief can feel like more than we can handle.

Here some compelling thoughts about 2020- shared on Instagram by Nashville author and That Sounds Fun podcasts host, Annie F. Downs.


“This year requires perseverance from us in ways I’ve never experienced before. It’s one thing to muscle through a hard season when you know the ending date or when you have some control. It’s quite another just to KEEP GOING, in pain or loss or frustration, with no end in sight.

I feel it in almost every area of my life. I wonder if you do too? I feel emotional fatique into my bones. I’m tired. I’m tired of not going to church and I’m tired of not meeting new people at social events and being careful about who I hug. I miss cheering at sporting events and traveling and busy restaurants and shows at the Ryman. I miss everything before this.

For sure I could list for you gifts of this season, and how God has been kind and all. I’m grateful for all the ways my life is priviledged, but also can’t we just allow each other to grieve what 2020 has stolen…? Because I’m tired and sad and mad at the whole thing. Can’t both be true? The best and the worst. The joy and the grieving

My tank of perseverance was running really low last week. I was fresh out of ‘WE CAN DO THIS, FRIENDS,’ and I didn’t know how to get it back. But this weekend helped. A run on the beach helped. Taylor Swift’s new album helped. The dance floor and meaningful conversations at a small wedding helped. Flying above the clouds helped.

And truth helps. Romans 5 doesn’t lie- our sufferings produce perseverance in us. And when we hang in there, it builds our character. And then, hope. All this matters for our souls. And knowing that helps. Because if anything is unprecedented, I’m banking on unprecedented hope on the other side of this, for me and for you.”

I love how Annie (who is one of the most optimistic humans ever)recognizes the sorrow as well as the blessing many of us are experiencing right now. I love how she reminds us of the truth from Romans 5:4. I’m praying and believing the hope on the other side of this chapter will be way more than we could ask or imagine.

My prayer for you is that even in these extra difficult days, you’ll begin to find hope and joy.

Here’s the link for my newest YouVersion Plan It’s called More than You Can Handle. The plan offers 5 days of devotionals, encouraging scripture references, and is super user-friendly. Grief Survivor was my first YouVersion creation. It was written for anyone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. I hope one of these plans will help you know you are not alone.

We invite you to stop by the Grief Survivor Facebook Page. Your stories of love, loss, life and finding joy inspire the rest of us more than you know! We’re all in this together.

*Phenomenal cliff climber photo credit: our fierce son-in-law, Nick Lewis!

Where is Everybody?!

Last upated: by

Losing a part of your life puzzle is always hard. Losing someone during a global pandemic~ indescribable. 

Remember the days when people would show up for you in person? Help you plan a beautiful service to celebrate your loved one’s life? Bring meals? Wrap you up in a warm blanket of care after a painful loss? Me too. 

This crazy world of quarantines, social distancing and Covid-19 has brought monstrous changes to life, relationships, work, school, graduations, celebrations and how we mourn those we love. The new (and hopefully temporary!) normal has been a challenge for people across the globe, but especially for those who are grieving.

Here are a few thoughts and resources that might be helpful today and in the days ahead.

1. Spend the first moments of your day with the Lord. If you’re new to reading the bible, the YouVersion app is an outstanding resource. This Grief Survivor 8 day plan might be a comforting place to start.

Find a cozy spot away from distractions and the noise of life, switch your phone to airplane mode and bask in a few moments of solitude. Reading God’s word early in the morning, journaling what’s on your heart and spending a few moments in prayer can calm anxious thoughts and set a peaceful tone for your day. Enjoy the quiet… (until you switch your phone back from airplane mode).

2. Check in with others. During this unprecedented time of life disruption and quarantine, it’s more important then ever to see faces and hear voices of people you care about. When meeting in person is impossible, Zoom or FaceTime virtual visits can be the next best thing. Consider exchanging memorable stories and photos of your loved one through social media, text or email. Better yet, why not send each other a handwritten note along with a favorite photo? Pure Gold!

3. Check out one of my very favorite sites- Nothing is Wasted. Davey Blackburn and his team have created an extraordinary podcast and content designed to help you “find purpose through the pain.” Their new online community groups are helping people around the world connect with others who truly understand.

This podcast episode is all about finding hope and healing through preserving sweet memories.

“Part of healing is just being open to the fact that it will not always be this hard.”- well I think I might have said that!

My prayer for you today is that you will find hope, healing and ultimately joy-filled life.

Mother’s Day- Remembering the Goodness

Last upated: by

I love my family. Like, seriously love them so much. And celebrations are one of the things we do best. Celebrating things like birthdays, new babies, rain, Gerber daisies, fall leaves and Georgia Football. I think you get the picture. Over the years we’ve lost three of our family favorites, and I remember wondering if I’d ever feel like celebrating again. Maybe that’s you right now, if you’re missing someone you love this Mother’s Day.

Here are a couple ideas I hope will help someone who is struggling right now.

Recognize the Reality

Losing my mom, aka “Beazy,” was one of the hardest roads our family has ever walked. She was the glue that held our crazy puzzle together, with her over-the-top gift of hospitality. Living her best life included welcoming strangers, taking home-cooked meals to friends and creating fun t-shirts with the grand kids at “Camp Beazy.” Mom’s grand kid camp tradition is still going strong- 20 years later!

I wish I could tell you I navigated the tough season of grief with perfect skill and grace; but my temptation was actually to run as far as I could from the pain. Can anybody relate? You may have discovered a few things that anesthetize the pain (for a minute) ~  meds, mac and cheese, maybe margaritas? Too bad that comfort can’t last! 

The one thing that did make a difference was setting aside time to get away from technology and other distractions and be still. As I rested in solitude, I’d try to allow the waves of sorrow to wash over me, rather than running from the pain. Those moments were never easy, but always seemed to bring

Remember and Celebrate the Goodness    

Back to Beazy. She was honestly no ordinary mom. Even when a kindergarten brother, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are) carved, “I LOVE MOMY” with his tiny scissors- on her mahogany dining table, she found a way to keep on loving the little criminal angel.

There was nothing you could ever do to change her crazy gigantic love for you. No matter what. To her, people were more important than things. Always.

I want to be more like that when I grow up.

If you’re missing someone this Mother’s Day, remember their story is much too important to be forgotten. I encourage you to keep memories fresh by 1) saying her name and 2) telling and re-telling her story. Reaching out on social media is an excellent way to invite friends and family to share a photo or memory- maybe even one you’ve never seen or heard before!

It was an honor to join the phenomenal Colleen Kavanaugh on The After Life Podcast to discuss how to handle special days while grieving. Hope you’ll give it a listen. 

Does your family have special traditions for celebrating an awesome person you’re missing? Please share them with us on the Grief Survivor Facebook page.