Grief Survivor

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Say it out loud

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When life hurls you a monstrous curve ball… the loss of a job, death of a dream, financial disaster, crushing death of someone you love- rather than trying to spin the calamity and pretend it’s all good, sometimes it helps to call it what it is, This Is Hard.

Boy, that felt good.

Nobody saw it coming when, (12 months ago!) an invisible virus suddenly brought life as we knew it to a screeching halt across the globe. The grief people around the planet have experienced is real, fresh and unprecedented. Church of the City (NYC) Pastor, Jon Tyson reminded us, “if we don’t grieve now, later we will grieve in unhealthy ways.”  Truth!

But, what does healthy grief look like? What can I do today to help me come out mentally and physically strong when this storm passes?

1) Acknowledge the situation. Say it out loud or write your thoughts in a journal. Tell the Lord how you’re feeling about what you’re going through.  Angry? Overwhelmed? Anxious? Isolated? You can tell Him. It’s OK. He already knows. 

2) EGR.  Extra grace required. A local church billboard recently said, “If your world is upside down, go to the Lord. He’ll turn it around.”

Wait- then won’t your world be upside down and backwards? Sorry, it just struck my funny bone.

Seriously, though, when life is upside down- we’re not always going to handle every relationship and every situation perfectly. That’s OK. Give yourself and others extra grace. We’ve never lived through a global pandemic before!

Nobody saw it coming when we woke up to an entire year of:

  • grieving without the comfort of gathering
  • social distancing when you really need to hug somebody
  • involuntary homeschooling
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  • virtual everything from doctor visits to happy hours
  • sports with no spectators

Is anyone else having to quote James 1:19 over and over… “quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry?” Or is it just me? 

3) Pray. Do you ever want to pray, but the words don’t come?

I love that we don’t have to have perfect words to pray, but can ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for us. Romans 8:26 promises that the Spirit helps us in our weakness. And when we don’t have the words to pray,  the Spirit will intercede for us in a mighty way. 

4) Look for the good things

Lord, please touch the person reading this who feels alone, isolated or forgotten. For the one who is anxious, hurting, sick or grieving, please bring Your comfort and healing. Show us your goodness, even in the midst of the chaos.

Amen.

 

Coolest news!

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A little back story At the Unleash Church Conference in 2010, Pastor Steven Furtick shared a question from his book, Sun Stand Still. He asked, “what’s the one thing the Lord has told you to do that you haven’t done yet?” Wow. great question.

I knew immediately the answer was to find a publisher for the message I had written (almost 10 years prior!) in the wake of 9/11. At the time, the “book” was a spiral bound masterpiece, printed at the local print shop, called A Time to Heal. My goal was encouraging people who had lost a beloved person in the disasters, to do what I had done after my mom’s crushing death- start telling their person’s story and preserve their legacy. I wanted broken hearted people to know there really can be purposeful life again, even after extreme loss.

The Lord was gracious to lead me to an Independent publisher where A Time to Heal, a grief journal designed and born. My dream was/ and still is to “reach the nations” with this message of hope and healing through grief.

Then, a few years later I started a new work, filled with practical ways for traveling through a tough season after loss. Grief Survivor~28 steps toward hope and healing was self-published, and has, thankfully, reached more people…but the prayer to “reach the nations” still remains!

The Current Situation Does anybody remember 2020? The year when “social distancing” became a thing, and involuntary homeschooling was born? That year. Well, in the Fall of 2020, I was selected to be part of #BookProposalBootcamp with one of my favorite writers on earth, New York Times Best Selling Author Lysa TerKeurst, literary agent, Meredith Brock, and Coach Nicki Koziarz! In the 12 intense and wonderful weeks of Boot Camp, 100 proposals were created by writers from around the country. Within the next couple months, a handful of authors will be selected to sign a contract with Thomas Nelson Publishing/ co-branded with COMPEL books!

The working title for my newest creation is, Uncrushed: real steps toward healing your grief and restoring your joy. It will be filled with lots of real life stories, encouraging biblical promises and healthy tips for grieving without getting hooked on, “Rx meds, mac and cheese and margaritas,” (chapter title).

Please pray with me for the Lord to open the exact doors He has for this message (20 years later!) and that it will reach the nations!!! Thanks for the inspiration, Pastor Steven!

When you’re just not feeling it

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The music, yummy aromas and shimmering lights all conjure up memories of the most wonderful time of the year. But when you’re missing someone you love, the holidays can magnify the deep loss you’re feeling. 

When my family lost a couple of our closest and favorite people – different years, but both within days of the holidays, “merry and bright” felt 1000 miles in the rear view mirror. Maybe you understand what I’m talking about.  

So, how do you not only make it through the holidays, but create some sweet moments to savor?  Hopefully these three quick tips will help: 

Keep it Simple

Imagine November and December without a manic pace of cooking, decorating, entertaining, shopping and endless events. You can make it happen, but it might take a little rethinking what you’ve always done and embracing a little extra white space on your calendar. 

If cooking, house guests or shopping spark joy for you, by all means do those things. But if there’s part of your holiday routine that multiplies the madness, give yourself permission to stop the insanity! 

Schedule evenings at home by the fire sipping a warm beverage with your closest people. Say yes to the activities you love, and no to the rest. Being kind to yourself can create a sense of calm, even during a chaotic season. 

Keep Your Sanity

Spend more time with people and doing things that energize you- and less with any that  suck the living daylights out of  exhaust you.  

Keep it Fresh

Write the good stuff in a journal. Record sweet, serious or fun stories of the person you’re missing. 

Stories like the day my hilarious sister-in-law, Kay offered me the keys to her  metallic purple dune buggy- to drive to high school! Clearly 7 of the coolest hours of my life!.  

And the time she (black belt in shopping and all things NYC) led a girl trip to The City for 2 days of Hard Rock Cafe, Broadway, Carmines and of course full contact shopping! Good thing no boys were invited on Kay’s girl trip. NY shopping would have felt like fishing with the game warden. 🙂 

This holiday season I hope you’ll find time to: 

* create a place to keep memories, photos and recipes. 

* cook up one of those yummy recipes, grab a warm beverage and curl up by the fire.

* tell, retell and celebrate the stories of the person you’re missing. They’re much too important to be forgotten! 

Here’s a super helpful article – 64 Tips for Coping with Grief at the Holidays from our friends at What’s Your Grief.  Also, here’s the Grief Survivor 8 day plan, for anyone needing a little encouragement through grief today.

Who are you missing this Christmas season? Please share a comment, memorable story or photo here on my Facebook page.

Grace and peace, everybody.

Gathering for the Holidays during Grief

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If someone’s missing from the picture this holiday season, you may be wondering how in the world you’ll make it through to January. You are not alone! It was four weeks before Thanksgiving the year my mom died suddenly. Then, a couple years later, my dad graduated to heaven on December 9th. Sometimes the holidays just seem like a really bad idea!

Here are a few things I wish someone had told me when our family was scrambling to figure out how to survive the holidays while grieving. Hopefully they will help you, too.

  • Don’t let the day sneak up on you. Get together with  your closest people to make a plan for how and where  you want to gather. Changing up the menu and/ or venue might be helpful this year. 
  • As much as we adore her…Joanna Gaines doesn’t live here. Give yourself permission to bring it all [cooking, decorating, entertaining, whatever] down a notch or two. Do what you love and feel up to doing. 
  • Say the name of the person you’re missing, so others feel free to do the same.  Reminiscing and sharing stories about your loved one can be great therapy. 
  • There’s no need to apologize if you need to leave an event early. And there’s no shame to leave a conveniently parked getaway car. 🚗
  • Taking time to rest. 20 or 30 minutes in a dark room to sleep, write, cry… whatever you need to do- can be refreshing. 
  • The Lord really is close to the brokenhearted- and will rescue us when our spirits are crushed. (from Psalm 34:18) If you’re feeling overwhelmed by grief right now, asking someone to pray is a great idea. 
  • You are stronger than you think you are.

What do you wish someone had told you?  Please share your ideas on the Grief Survivor FaceBook page!

What Friends Do

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Maybe you are one of the extraordinary people who knows exactly what to do and say when someone’s world has been shaken by tragedy. I am grateful for you! For the other 99% of us, reaching out when a friend is hurting can feel awkward and uncomfortable! If you’re like me, you probably fear you’ll say or do the wrong thing.

During my family’s deepest times of loss, there were a couple ideas that made a giant impact. Here are my top two:

1) Show up. My dear friend Leslie has a unique ability to show up at the exact moment you need to feel the love. Rather than saying, “call if you need anything,” she’ll let you know, “your dinner is in the oven. Would you like it tonight or tomorrow night?”

I love how she doesn’t casually drop the ball in your court during a traumatic time when you really don’t know what you need. No, she shows up! Leslie brings something yummy, then hugs you around the neck. Her kindness speaks louder than 1000 words, letting you know you’re not conquering this giant by yourself.

2) Reach out. The Lord has a phenomenal way of giving us a holy nudge when we need it. Act on it! Reaching out doesn’t have to be extravagant – a text, call or card to let a friend know they haven’t been forgotten will always arrive at the perfect time.

And, when there are no words. “What do friends do? They show up. They share the pain; and they shut up. They don’t give pious platitudes. They don’t give advice. They don’t try to talk a friend out of his pain. They don’t say, ‘it’s going to be OK.’ They just say, ‘We’re going to sit here with you. We’re going to be here for you. We’re going to hurt with you.’” ~ Pastor Rick Warren

This article has more practical ideas for helping a grieving friend. Also, consider passing this link to your friend. The Grief Survivor 8 day reading plan will encourage them to write, reflect and remember priceless stories about their loved one.

The Day I got Unstuck from Grief

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Have you ever gotten so caught up in grief, you weren’t sure you’d ever find your way out? I surely have.

It was four months after my mom’s hit-me-like-a speeding-train sudden death. Even though I was pretending I had this grief thing under control, in reality I was stuck and had no idea how to dig myself out of the deep sorrow. A typical day would be spent at home, safe from awkward questions and embarrassing public tears. Anybody else been there?

One morning after the kids had left for school, I settled into my cozy chair and started to think about my mom.  

What if I forget about her? What if my memory fades and I don’t remember the time she invited the entire Emory University Dental Fraternity to our house for Thanksgiving Dinner? I have no idea what the turkey tasted like that year… but do remember the holiday being most delectable!

What if I forget about the day she followed a speeding ambulance through rush hour Atlanta traffic – to beat the crowd to Hobby Lobby? Doesn’t everybody’s mom do that?

I start to write every sweet, embarrassing and hilarious story I could possibly recall. About two hours later I realized I hadn’t moved a muscle, except to write.

The coolest thing happened that morning. As decades of memories poured out on the spiral notebook pages~ I started to smile, and even laugh again through the tears. Tears of thankfulness for this rare and extraordinary woman I called Mom.

How about you?  

I don’t know your story, but I do know that remembering the people we love is one of the most beautiful ways not only to honor them, but also to begin to heal.

Do you have a place you can go to write their story?  You don’t need an expensive journal- a spiral notebook like mine will work just fine.

My prayer is that as you recall and write your good, bad and crazy ambulance-chasing Hobby Lobby stories, that you’ll begin to see sweet glimmers of healing.  

God’s peace, my friends.  

Please visit the Grief Survivor FaceBook to share a funny, sweet or memorable story about someone you’re missing right now.

Additionally, here are a couple YouVersion plans I created that will hopefully be encouraging for you. Grief Survivor and More than You can Handle