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Mother’s Day- Remembering the Goodness

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I love my family. Like, seriously love them so much. And celebrations are one of the things we do best. Celebrating things like birthdays, new babies, rain, Gerber daisies, fall leaves and Georgia Football. I think you get the picture. Over the years we’ve lost three of our family favorites, and I remember wondering if I’d ever feel like celebrating again. Maybe that’s you right now, if you’re missing someone you love this Mother’s Day.

Here are a couple ideas I hope will help someone who is struggling right now.

Recognize the Reality

Losing my mom, aka “Beazy,” was one of the hardest roads our family has ever walked. She was the glue that held our crazy puzzle together, with her over-the-top gift of hospitality. Living her best life included welcoming strangers, taking home-cooked meals to friends and creating fun t-shirts with the grand kids at “Camp Beazy.” Mom’s grand kid camp tradition is still going strong- 20 years later!

I wish I could tell you I navigated the tough season of grief with perfect skill and grace; but my temptation was actually to run as far as I could from the pain. Can anybody relate? You may have discovered a few things that anesthetize the pain (for a minute) ~  meds, mac and cheese, maybe margaritas? Too bad that comfort can’t last! 

The one thing that did make a difference was setting aside time to get away from technology and other distractions and be still. As I rested in solitude, I’d try to allow the waves of sorrow to wash over me, rather than running from the pain. Those moments were never easy, but always seemed to bring

Remember and Celebrate the Goodness    

Back to Beazy. She was honestly no ordinary mom. Even when a kindergarten brother, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are) carved, “I LOVE MOMY” with his tiny scissors- on her mahogany dining table, she found a way to keep on loving the little criminal angel.

There was nothing you could ever do to change her crazy gigantic love for you. No matter what. To her, people were more important than things. Always.

I want to be more like that when I grow up.

If you’re missing someone this Mother’s Day, remember their story is much too important to be forgotten. I encourage you to keep memories fresh by 1) saying her name and 2) telling and re-telling her story. Reaching out on social media is an excellent way to invite friends and family to share a photo or memory- maybe even one you’ve never seen or heard before!

It was an honor to join the phenomenal Colleen Kavanaugh on The After Life Podcast to discuss how to handle special days while grieving. Hope you’ll give it a listen. 

Does your family have special traditions for celebrating an awesome person you’re missing? Please share them with us on the Grief Survivor Facebook page.

Feel like Fast Forwarding Through Mother’s Day?

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Have you ever wished you had a huge remote and could fast-forward through something? A tedious conversation, or maybe the perky dental hygienist with a terrifying tray of metal weapons? I have.

Mother’s Day isn’t supposed to be on that list, is it? For anyone missing your mother this year, or maybe you’re a mom missing your beloved child, you know what I’m talking about. It’s inescapable — hourly reminders of happy moms and children everywhere you turn. If you’re considering pulling the percale sheets over your head and waking up the Monday after all the celebrations, you’re not alone.

I remember the first Mother’s Day after losing my mom. It was impossible to imagine the day without her in the picture. It’s been a few years now and the intense emotion has faded, but not without a few tears along the way. Here are a few thoughts that might help you navigate the season.

  • Make a plan. Don’t let the day sneak up on you. Tell someone close how you’re feeling, and ask for help planning a strategy of where you want to be, and how you plan to spend your day.
  • Buy yourself a gift. Whether it’s a gorgeous flower arrangement or a trip to Tahiti, know that it’s okay to do something kind for yourself. Your loved one would be honored to know you’re smiling.
  • Say what you need to say. Getting thoughts out on to paper is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Write a letter to the person you’re missing. Thank them for the difference they made in your life. Talk about the things they left you-not tangible gifts, but things more like your sense of humor, musical ability, or even unconditional love. Gifts of the heart can never be taken away from you.

If you’re a mom grieving a child this Mother’s Day, I know of some very kind people who understand- The Compassionate Friends. https://www.compassionatefriends.org/

If your mom and your children are still close by, don’t forget to tell them how much you love them! You’ll never regret it.

What Friends Do

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Maybe you are one of the extraordinary people who knows exactly what to do and say when someone’s world has been shaken by tragedy. I am grateful for you! For the other 99% of us, reaching out when a friend is hurting can feel awkward and uncomfortable! If you’re like me, you probably fear you’ll say or do the wrong thing.

During my family’s deepest times of loss, there were a couple ideas that made a giant impact. Here are my top two:

1) Show up. My dear friend Leslie has a unique ability to show up at the exact moment you need to feel the love. Rather than saying, “call if you need anything,” she’ll let you know, “your dinner is in the oven. Would you like it tonight or tomorrow night?”

I love how she doesn’t casually drop the ball in your court during a traumatic time when you really don’t know what you need. No, she shows up! Leslie brings something yummy, then hugs you around the neck. Her kindness speaks louder than 1000 words, letting you know you’re not conquering this giant by yourself.

2) Reach out. The Lord has a phenomenal way of giving us a holy nudge when we need it. Act on it! Reaching out doesn’t have to be extravagant – a text, call or card to let a friend know they haven’t been forgotten will always arrive at the perfect time.

And, when there are no words. “What do friends do? They show up. They share the pain; and they shut up. They don’t give pious platitudes. They don’t give advice. They don’t try to talk a friend out of his pain. They don’t say, ‘it’s going to be OK.’ They just say, ‘We’re going to sit here with you. We’re going to be here for you. We’re going to hurt with you.’” ~ Pastor Rick Warren

This article has more practical ideas for helping a grieving friend. Also, consider passing this link to your friend. The Grief Survivor 8 day reading plan will encourage them to write, reflect and remember priceless stories about their loved one.

Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast!

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Hey awesome friends-

So this was cool. Here is the podcast I got to record with my friend, and host of the Happy Healthy Caregiver Podcast, Elizabeth Miller.

We talked about fun families, crazy New Year’s traditions, life, loss and sparking joy… even when life is tough. Elizabeth is a pure delight- hope you’ll enjoy our conversation!

(photo cred: Austin Distel, Unsplash) thank you!

Missing in Action

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Did you know that after losing someone you love, it can take fourteen days for life to get back to normal?… for everybody but you!

If you have lost a loved one, you may know what I’m talking about.In the beginning maybe you were overwhelmed by calls, flowers, meals, family and noise. But now, your world is quiet. And the silence can be deafening. As people return to the chaos of their lives, it’s easy to feel as though you’ve slipped under the radar. Where did everybody go?

Here are 6 things I wish I’d known about grief:

6) Just because you aren’t getting calls and cards every day doesn’t mean people have forgotten about you.

5) Putting on a big smile and pretending everything’s OK, when it’s really not will keep you stuck.

4) Even though some close friends may seem missing in action- sometimes unexpected people show up to help.

3) Hanging out with inspiring or funny people = good medicine; with no crummy side effects.

2) Mindless movies can be great therapy.

1) You are stronger than you think you are. You will survive this.

Would you like to connect with some amazing people who understand? Open to Hope  is a phenomenal website – full of fresh Grief Relief TV, Radio and articles from people who have loved and lost; and are embracing life again.

Got a few moments?  Join me with Open to Hope founders Dr. Gloria and Dr. Heidi Horsley as we talk about getting unstuck from grief.

What do you wish someone had told you? Please share your thoughts on the Grief Survivor facebook page.

Five Favorite Things for 2020

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Has life ever thrown you a monstrous curve ball? Yep, me too. 

Today I want to share a few of my favorite things- a book, podcasts, apps, even some inspiration for care givers. I pray they will remind you to do something kind for yourself today and every day!  

Here you go: 

It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered. New York Times Best Selling Author, Lysa TerKeurst has been through some seriously devastating things; but somehow infuses the raw realities of life with humor and hope for the future. You don’t want to miss this book! 

The YouVersion app is a wonderful place to start (or continue) a daily rhythm of intimacy with God. This easy-to-use resource includes the Bible App,  the Bible App for Kids and a phenomenal collection of topical reading plans that will meet you exactly where you are. 

Whether you’re facing grief, anxiety, divorce, caring for a family member, you name it- the YouVersion app probably has something for you. 

Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast, blog and online community.  Elizabeth Miller has been a compassionate care giver for several years. Her creative content and naturally winsome attitude through it all will help you navigate care giving with life! 

That Sounds Fun podcast– with host Annie F Downs. Y’all- sometimes you just need to laugh. It’s always a joy to hear from Annie’s diverse, brilliant, musical, talented and funny friends from Nashville and all over the country. She ends every show with the question, “what sounds fun to you?”  and encourages her listeners to go out and do something fun. Note to self: do that a lot in 2020. Annie reminds me of the timeless words from Nehemiah 8:10, “The joy of the Lord is your strength!” 

And a new personal favorite of mine- The Bible Recap podcast. Host, Tara-Leigh Cobble and her team have put together an extraordinary daily (8 minute) message to go along with the YouVersion chronological Bible reading plan. TLC’s words are clear, concise and compelling- all pointing the listener to understand, “He’s (Jesus) where the joy is! 

Well, that’s it for the 2020 fave five list. Happy 2020!

Beth

We invite you to stop by the Grief Survivor Facebook Page. Your stories of love, loss, life and finding joy inspire the rest of us more than you know!